Bah Humbug!

Heyhey, it’s another year, and that means it’s another Christmas. These things just won’t go away, will they?!

Instead of wallowing in self-pity this year, I’ve decided to vent my holiday frustrations by, what else, ranting! Instead of spending time with my family or friends, I’m spending the day watching TV so I can bring you the greatest gift of all: lowbrow bitching about things you know and love!

Maybe I have too short a fuse, maybe I shouldn’t take commercials so seriously, or maybe I watch way too much tv (what else is there to do while I’m playing 10 hrs straight of video games?), or maybe our society is full of materialistic, shallow, greedy assholes, but just about every commercial I’ve seen this year was horrible. Not horribly done, every commercial gave off that money-wasting mainstream stench, but horrible in content and message. It’s not about family or even Jesus, it’s about getting every single thing you want, exactly what you want, getting the most presents, being able to show off to your shallow friends the next day, and it’s pretty damn infuriating.

So here, for your reading enjoyment as you count down the hours until Santa comes and fulfills your every greedy desire, is the Christmas Commercial Rant Extravaganza!

I’ve ranted about Burlington Coat Factory before, the one with the little girl I wanna slap every time I hear say “I believe in Cashmere,” but they have another gem that starts with a family opening their gifts. The woman says “Wise men bring gifts,” and the announcer says something about “really wise men know where to buy them”. Then later the man declares that if “you give a woman high heels she can conquer the world.” Do I really need to say anything? Every single commercial these people come out with is shallow and ignorant, targeting the snobs that shop in their stores. I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure of going to one, and it’s definitely not intended for people like me. What I especially love is when this commercial plays opposite the one where Burlington talks about giving coats to charity, because I can just see the pathetic people who love their commercials welling up with philanthropic pride at their generosity in giving the poor, pathetic down-and-outs their old coats.

Another awesome one is for cookies, I can’t even remember the brand because it pisses me off so much, in which a little kid comes out to see his father eating cookies off the plate for Santa. “What are you doing?! Those were for Santa! He’s gonna leave!! He’s gonna leave he’s gonna leave he’s gonna leave!!111one1!” he screams hysterically, and the father rushes to the rescue, “ok, let’s fix it,” by making more cookies. I’ll tell you how to “fix it,” slap your fucking kid and send him to bed without presents until he learns not to be a selfish little bastard.

Then there’s one for Old Navy (any commercial by Old Navy sucks ass IMO) with a really annoying singer with lyrics like “you’ve got yours and I’ve got mine,” which I’m not quite sure what the hell that means, but the song sucks on all levels. As it’s neared Christmas, more versions with longer parts of the song have sprouted up, earning it a place of honor here just for the annoyance factor. The commercial itself features a group of pretty-people friends in their fancy clothes all having a present-wrapping party of some sort and it’s just completely unrealistic. This commercial tells me nothing about Old Navy, other than the fact that evidently you have to be a model to shop there.

Another commercial for phones or service or some shit like that features claymation gingerbread men voiced by celebrities/impersonators, I’m not sure. Animation can’t dull the sting of self-serving, inconsiderate kids as the child tells his dad he wants a new phone, while his friends completely ignore everything around them as they text on theirs. The dad tells his son he wants people to stop eating his house (haha, how clevaaaaar!) and then laughs and gives his son the phone anyway. And what does the kid do? Rides away on his bike, the ungrateful little ass.

On that topic, small sidetrack here. I was playing FFXI last night, like I usually do, because what else is there to do on Christmas Eve? Around midnight EST the kid in my party says “brb! Presents! Xbox time~!” and goes away from keyboard for all of 20 minutes before returning and shouting Merry Christmas to the entire zone because he got a Wii. If my kid was playing video games all night, and only came down to open his presents, and went right back to playing video games after, I do believe I would kick his ass, smash his computer, and probably put him up for adoption straight away.

Anyway.

Topping my list is every single diamond ring, earring, and bracelet commercial. Yes, we women love shiny objects, and if you buy us a big one, we’ll love you unconditionally until the end of time. The one that particularly annoys me has a great romantic song playing as a man and woman are stopped at a light. He takes her hand and she looks down to find a diamond necklace in it. Awwwwwwww. They kiss, and it cuts to show the light has turned green and they’re still sitting there as the cabs behind them have to pull around them. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, you’re in love. You’re not the only people in the world, move your stupid fucking car out of the way and go home to make out. Stop blocking up traffic, you rich assholes. Couples that think they’re the only people in the world make me want to slap them. Anybody that thinks they’re the only person in the world needs a slaptastic wakeup call.

So, you ask, what kind of commercials should there be for Christmas? None, to be honest. But that’s not going to happen. So how about commercials that promote family, giving to those in need? Instead of giving your brat nieces, cousins, half-brothers, and every relative that you hardly know extravagant gifts, why not go down to one of those wishing trees and buy a brokeass family’s kid a present? I know I’m anti-commercialism, but poor kids never had shit to begin with and it’s not greedy or selfish for them to want something resembling normalcy, like a fucking shirt bought at a real store instead of a torn up hand-me-down. If that’s too much for you to handle, why not help out at a shelter, donate food, shovel the old lady next door’s sidewalk, do something besides think of yourself? Let’s see some commercials with THAT spirit.


Merry Fucking Christmas.